When you realize your adopted son has never experienced cracker barrel or peg games
Tag Archives: adoption
Cheers to a new year and new adventures
Letting my son decorate his own cake
It’s all over but the crying
Finally! The wait is over! Let’s go get our babies!
After waiting 30 days we jumped back on a plane for Ukraine; time to go pick up our children.
We were so excited and nervous! We had been told LOTS of advise as we prepared to leave to get our kiddos. All by well meaning folks but it really did not set me at ease. What were we doing? We are bringing two kids into our house, in a new country and they know very little English. What could possibly go wrong? (insert shaking head and deep sigh here)
We made the very long trip and arrived at the tiny village where our children lived. We walked around the orphanage with the kids, talked with a few teachers and met for the final time with the director. After signing all the papers we prepared to leave with the kids. It was a bitter sweet moment. Our girl who had once been excited and ready to go now faced saying goodbye to everyone she had ever known. She sat on a little stone wall, tears filled her eyes. She would not look at me or anyone else. My heart broke for her. I could only imagine her thoughts and feelings. We slowly walked her to the gate as her friends gathered around her once more to say goodbye and wish her well. Our new found son was a different story. He bounded around joyfully and yelled goodbye as he ran for the car.
We would now spend the next month living in Ukraine. It would take that long to finish all the paperwork, visas, passports, Id requirements and background checks. We tried to make the most of it but it was very hard on all of us. I just wanted to go home and start our new “normal” life. I found living in hotel rooms, in a strange place anything but normal. We couldn’t plan anything as we never knew what each day would en tale. One moment we were fine the next we were battling melt downs. When we had those under control (for a minute) we were being shuffled around to file various papers and meet medical appointments. All while trying to understand what was being said to me and around me in a foreign language. It was exhausting. My emotions were on edge and so were my children’s. There is often a “honeymoon” period in adopting children; you know things are perfect and wonderful. Well we did not get that. Our son who is very smart had learned how to get attention in ALL the wrong ways. He began pushing boundaries immediately. Our daughter began to worry we would leave them because things were so tense. I would be a liar if I said the thought did not cross my mind.
Finally, on July 2nd, we were able to begin traveling for America. We landed on American soil on July 3rd, 2018. Oh Happy Day!! That was the best feeling, knowing we were home and that these kids were indeed our kids. We had survived the flight with 2 motion sick kids, cleared immigration and customs! Thank you Lord! Home sweet home!
As I look back on that time, I honestly don’t know who cried more; me or the kids. The one thing, as an adoptive mom, that I always try to remember is that no matter what we do for our kids, it is still part of their trauma. Do I love them? Yes. Do they love us? Most days. Is it a good thing we adopted them? Yes! They have so many opportunities now and a family. Was it still a trauma for them? YES! They left everything to be in our family. My heart hurt for them. We all had to learn a new way of life. They now had parents, rules, new culture and new expectations. My husband and I were parents for the first time, to kids that had grown up learning how to “cheat the system” by lying, cheating, stealing and keeping adults at arms length. This was a far cry from what we had envisioned for being parents. We would also discover this was a far cry from what our children had envisioned as well.
Welcome to parenthood!
Push! Push!
So last we left you hanging on to the first push. Now it was time for the second push. Are you on the edge of your seat yet?
We were on pins and needles. Waiting for the phone call to give us our court date. And it finally came. April 12th, 11 am. My phone rang; it was our agent. She laughingly announced “Welp, get your bags packed again! Your court date is April 20th!”
Seriously!?!? One week notice!??? To get a plane ticket and time off from work and find a dog sitter and …Holy cow! What do we wear? This is it, the final decision. Can we have our kids or not. I felt my face flush and I was glad that I had been sitting down. Once I caught my breath, I started making all the phone calls. Hubby check, Family check, dog sitter check, travel agent … check!
And just like that we were back on a plane to Ukraine.
So here we go – Dulles, Vienna, Odessa! Whew! Rest for the night then travel for 4+ hours to pick up our kids and go to court.
Both kids were excited when we picked them up. Then came all the waiting in the court room. Much less excited as boredom set in quickly. Thankfully the hearing went fairly quick and smooth. Both the orphanage representative and the social worker spoke in favor of the children being “awarded” to us. The judge ask us lots of questions and with the help of our translator we answered to his satisfaction. He called for a recess to weight the information and give us his answer.
Tick Tock Tick Tock the clock counted down the minutes. It seemed like forever. Finally he returned with his verdict…
“Congratulations, you are now a family of four. This court feels it is the best interest of these children to place them in your care.” Yahoo!!! It was official! WE WERE PARENTS! These were now our kiddos!
But hang on a sec. Now we have to wait 30 days before we can start the process to take them home. Yep, you read that right. 30 more days of waiting.
We would now hug our kids goodbye and get back on a plane for America. We would wait a full 30 days to make sure no family member came forward to object to this ruling or request the custody of the kids. Oh happy day and nerve racking day all in one.
Home again home again jiggity jig.
First Push…
I have never been in actual, physical birthing labor but after watching friends and family give birth, I understand there are phases of “push and rest”. Adoption is no different in this “hurry up and wait” part of getting the kid here.
So we are setting off on a new adventure. We will fly for many hours to Ukraine, go to an office to “pick our children” and then set up an appointment to visit the children in their orphanage. After all these meetings we will then say “yes or no” to adopting these children and they will be given the same opportunity to say “yes or no” to being our kiddos. Please note at any point in this first half of the journey our kids can change their minds and we go home empty handed.
Let the adventure begin…
Did I mention I have never ever been on a plane? Insert nervous laughter here. Yep, this will be the first time I fly on a plane…half way around the world. It was honestly a bit nerve racking for me but I survived and even learned I like flying.
We arrived in country after about 14 hours on a plane and met our in country agents that would take excellent care of us for our entire process. They got us all set up in a room for the first few days and then left us to “rest”. I will post later about some of our explorations of the beautiful country of Ukraine but for now I’ll just stick to our adoption story.
SDA appointment
We arrived at a small office building around 10:45 am. We entered the building and sat down… more waiting. The social worker finally called us back to her office. She pulled out a large 3 ring binder stuffed to the max. She turned to a tagged section and began matter of factly telling us about the “female child” we had chosen. Then ask “why do you want her?”. We answered as we had been coached; that we wanted a daughter and she seemed a good fit for our family. She then ask “Do you want to know about the siblings?”. We said yes. She has an older brother but he is not in the system and a younger brother who is 11. She then explained he is only available for adoption by us because we are adopting his sister. Otherwise he would need to wait another year for someone to adopt him. She attempted to tell us about our boy but there seemed to be a lot of missing information. Yeah, that’s not concerning at all. Insert rolling eyes here. Good grief! Anyway all said and done, now go wait some more. They would fill out “travel papers” for us to visit the children’s school (orphanage) and we could pick those up the next day.
While we waited in Kiev we had to file our papers for the American Embassy. Note if you ever go here you are allowed to take nothing in with you; no phones, no bags. (And for the love of all things good, don’t wear a belt or lots of jewelry.) Once inside things went very smooth and the people were very helpful. Also note they do not, I repeat, do not like to give change; so be exact with your money.
Next stop, the Train Station!
We got our travel papers, picked up our luggage and off to the train station we went. We would spend the next 9 hours on a train to get to Odessa and then another 4+ hour car ride to the tiny town where our kids lived. The car ride would prove to be as big an adventure as the train ride… maybe more. I grew up in the country and our roads were rough in the winter but this took the cake! These were not pot holes these were swimming holes that we drove in, around and out of. Wow! It definitely kept me awake. hahaha
There’s my kid!
Finally we arrived at the school. They brought our kids in to “meet” us. Our girl of course knew us but was so reserved and said very little to us. The boy seemed very out going and connected pretty quickly with both me and my hubby. He acted like a normal little boy. He was excited over pictures of dinosaurs on my phone and liked playing games. I can’t say the kids appeared to have a deep bond but they did seem to relie on each other for security. We only were allowed a short visitation then off to the hotel. We talked and both felt lead to adopt both kids. We called our families and told them. “Yep, two kids not one.” What in the world are we doing?!?!?
The next day we informed our translator and the school director that “yes we did want both kids if they wanted to be ours”. The director seemed very excited and happy for the children to have a family. He told them the news and then we proceeded with the formal papers. Both kids had to write on paper that they agreed to be part of our American family. Once all the papers were signed we had to say good bye. Now back to Odessa for signing more papers and filing for their American names.
We would spend one more night in Odessa, another train ride back to Kiev and then a 3 am flight to Germany and then the states! Whew! First push done! Breath, rest and get ready for the next one.
Oh! This is not a drill!
So up until this point we have been in “false labor”. But as we all know there will come, the real deal .
While working in my office talking with my boss, aka father-in-law, I received a phone call. “Hi Kate!” It was my adoption agent and she was very chipper. “Are you sitting down? Cause, I think you will need to for this one.”
She proceeded to tell me all our papers were in good order, had been accepted and we could travel very soon. Then she threw in the bonus. “And would you like to meet the little brother when you travel, as he is NOW available to be adopted with his sister.” What?!?!?! We had been told “no” for over 6 months but now he was free to be adopted. With a big lump in my throat I managed to say yes. She happily said she would make all the arrangements to add him to our first appointment with the State Department of Adoptions in country. She informed me this would take a day or so and she would get back to me…
The hubby and I were talking about how to celebrate our anniversary before sitting down to a meeting in my office. (In case you missed this part hubby & I work for the family owned company) Again my phone rang.
She didn’t even say hello! She just yelled “get your bags packed and your tickets bought! You have an appointment in 7 days in Ukraine!!” I screamed, she screamed, the hubby looked confused. I hung up the phone and filled him in. Needless to say the meeting was post phoned. And so was the anniversary celebration.
We were now trying to wrap our heads around the possibility of bringing home two children instead of one. Holy cow! We now needed to set up a room for a boy, get clothing for him, and raise more money. This did not fall under the buy one get one free section, but it is less if you can do it all at once verses having to make two separate adoptions. Just a little FYI there.
Another Contraction
When last we visited, we were in a flurry of “do overs”. After chasing down correct documents, signatures and making things all official; there was one paper holding up the whole package. Our updated FBI reports. Oh Please! Come On!
Finally, we got an email with a tracking number. I started following it closer than the paparazzi follow the royal family. I watched it get snowed in and snowed out of various cities. I talked with my agent several times during this waiting period. I vowed if that piece of paper ever gets close to me, I’m driving it to you myself! She laughed. I was profoundly serious.
It finally did get close to me and I made good on my word. I drove to the facility and begged the lady there to help me. I convinced her I needed it immediately. She stopped the delivery truck to search it down for me. Then, as only a fellow mom would do, she bounded back through the door from the warehouse yelling “I got it!”. She had me sign for it and with a big smile, gave me the very precious package.
Bear with me. I know you are all probably thinking, “What’s the rush? Just express mail it or something” Right? Well, here was my other monkey wrench. Weather. Here in the good ole south, snow and ice are a real pain. It shuts everything down. We just are not as prepared for it like our friends up north. But that is a topic for another time. We had been watching the radar. Snow. My agent told me they were preparing to close her office to keep the staff safe, as conditions looked bad. She also told me DHL would not be picking up if it snowed. In addition to all that, we were facing a deadline in Ukraine. If we missed this one it could push us even further out.
I called the hubby. What do you want to do? I asked. He answered quickly. I’ll be home in 20 minutes. Have everything in the car. We drive it to her.
Now to drive like Cruella De Vil!
I loaded the car and called our agent. She was so kind. (Or maybe she thought we were nuts?) She agreed to drive part of the way toward us. It was a 7-hour drive one way to meet her. The drive home was interesting as we watched the snowstorm on the radar follow us back to North Carolina. We pulled into our driveway at 4:30 am. It began snowing at 5:30. I got a text at 6 am package sent. Now it’s up to Ukraine.
False “Contractions”
So with every pregnancy there comes a time where the new mom thinks she’s in labor.
Ok this is it we’re having a baby! Only to be told by the doctor nope, not yet. These are just “False Contractions”. Well who knew it was true of adoption too?!?
We got all our paperwork completed, every “t” crossed every perfect blue “i” dotted and submitted by late October. We had hopes of traveling for our first trip around Christmas and being able to celebrate our daughter’s sweet 16 with her in her country. By mid November we felt sure we would not be able to travel until after Christmas so we pulled together enough money to host our girl one more time before she was “officially ours”. This would be a bitter sweet hosting.
During this waiting period we were told again that yes indeed there is a little brother but again he is NOT available for adoption. We moved forward with celebrating Christmas with our girl. She had began to get more comfortable with us. Calling us mom and dad. Telling us a little more “special” things about her life. We enjoyed our time with her all while holding our breath that our documents would be accepted and we could begin the process in Ukraine to finalize our adoption.
The day after Christmas we received a crushing blow. We had stopped to pick up a few things at the store. I had waited in the car to just have a moment to breath and be alone. My phone rang. It was our adoption agent. I answered with excitement. “Tell me we have a travel date!” But that was not what my agent had called to tell me. She slowly answered, “I’m so sorry. But your documents have been rejected.” Tears filled my eyes. I felt my face flush. I don’t understand, why? We did everything to the letter. I was mad, sad, devastated and every other emotion all at once. The only answer she could give me was “they changed some of the rules and you are the first example they are making.”
My husband came out to find me in a puddle of tears and I told him the news. We sat in silence for a while and after some more tears and time we drove home. Now, we had to tell our girl. She didn’t fully understand, but we tried to assure her we were still coming for her just not on the schedule we had hoped for. I saw doubt fill her eyes and we watched her “put her walls back up”. Deep sigh. Not the holiday we wanted. Needless to say putting her back on the plane after hosting was extremely painful.
So what now? Well we started over with several documents. We had to re-do fingerprints, physicals, and a lot of signatures. Another trip to Raleigh to make it all official and then we waited to submit our papers one more time. This would put us at the end of January as many of the offices we needed were closed for holidays.
That was a painful “false contraction”…
Labor pains begin
Yes, I know I will catch some flack for this phrase but there are labor pains in adoption. You start with the pain of wondering if the child will say yes or the court will say yes. Then you move to the pains of the background checks, the home study, the physicals and the money requirements. And the paperwork; oh the mountains of papers! Then there are court proceedings and if adopting from another country there are multiple trips. So while these are not physical labor pains they are in deed pains!
The mental and emotional energy that goes into filling out, the what seems to be NEVER ending, forms is uncanny. I don’t think I would have that much information printed in one place about my life if I wrote a book. They now own my biography. Heck they ask questions about me and my past that I wouldn’t ask myself! I mean Really! Who needs to know if I stole a pencil in Kindergarten? hahaha Okay, it wasn’t quite that bad but it certainly felt like it at times.
Of course every adoption is different and the requirements are different for every country and state. We were adopting from Ukraine. This is just our story, every story is unique.
When last we “visited” I had just finished our home study and began the next series of forms. We had to have multiple sets of fingerprints and background checks completed at the state and federal levels. We had to have complete physicals and full blood panels for every disease known to man. We also had to have all these forms notarized. An additional fee and form for us were our USA passports.
Every document in our package of papers would also need to go the the state capital for apostilles. If you are like me you may wonder what the heck does that mean?
This ensures that the foreign country will recognize our documents as valid and authentic. And it added up to about $250 American bucks and two trips to Raleigh. Insert sigh here.
We spent all summer and a large part of the fall chasing down proper documents, signing and re-signing because the signature was smudged or the notary was in the wrong place or my favorite “this is in black ink you need it in BLUE ink”. I kid you not! We also spent every “extra moment” fund raising to pay for this addition to our family. We sold things, we had BBQ and Pizza sales with our family’s churches. We raffled off pottery from my friend who owns her own business. We used every single penny in our savings account and took out a small loan. By the end of the process we would also max out our one credit card. Oh the things one will do for children.
During this part of the journey we thought we were only adopting one kiddo. Our sweet 15 year old girl that we had hosted several times now. At the end of hosting for the summer she told us a “secret”. “I want to be adopted but I’m scared for my brother.” Um Brother?!?!?!? Now we had to do some digging. Multiple phone calls to our adoption agency and the answer finally came. “Yes, there is a brother. However, you may not adopt him. Sorry. He just is not available to you.” We then had to explain this to our girl. Did I mention I don’t speak Russian and her English was not so good? Thankfully we have a friend that does speak Russian and she helped us as best she could. It was a painful conversation.
We carried on…
Callthehousewife 